Today is another fat day... does anyone else have those kinds of days? I seem to have too many of them - maybe I'm just a little deluded, or maybe it's normal...i don't know

Sometimes I'll have days where i feel much better but fat days are the worst..they really do suck...

It all starts when you get out of bed, have a shower and have nothing to wear...well for me it does anyway...then when i do find clothes, it takes me an hour to decide which ones to wear - and i feel like all of them make me look fat - sometimes i brush it off and just figure that if i'm fat i'm going to look fat in whatever i wear so it doesn't matter what i choose - others i try and try for ages to find something i feel better in and end up in tears.  I cry until i feel sick... it's not that often i cry about it, i usually try to hold back the tears but sometimes you just can't help...

I think i've exhausted the patience of just about everyone i know now, and they're all so sick of me complaining that i'm fat - most tell me "You are NOT fat, you're crazy!" or "Shut up I'm sick of hearing you complain when you're obviously not fat and everyone else around you has told you that!!" - i really can't tell sometimes whether i am or not (i know that sounds crazy, it depends on how i feel) so i usually just think that these people are trying to console me and make me feel better by telling me i'm not fat, they think that makes me happy...other people have gotten so sick of me saying it that they accuse me of fishing for compliments, apparently i'm just complaining that i'm fat in the hope that people will tell me how stupid i'm being and that i'm thin and beautiful...this is not how i feel.  Then there's the small group of people who say " if you think you're fat, stop complaining and do something about it " - it's hard to tell whether these people are so tired of hearing me complain that they think if i go out and do something about it, i'll stop complaining...or if they're trying to say "i agree, you're overweight, you really need to get out and get some exercise"

My bf tells me that even if i lost weight, no matter how much i lose, he thinks that i will never be satisfied, that i can never be truly happy with myself - i wonder if he's right, sometimes i just don't know.  Another friend of mine used to tell me that it worried him that i thought this, because i'm not fat and he told me i need to talk to someone about it - he thinks that one day i'm going to stop eating all together - i'm not an anorexic, i KNOW that, i'm so far from it that it's not funny...

Sometimes i've found myself contemplating skipping meals and stuff but i never actually skip any meals because i intended too - i used to think of crazy ideas like - what if instead of eating lunch, i go for a run? or if i'm hungry, i'll just go for a run - i'm not an idiot, i realise you need energy to go out and exercise but for some reason i found comfort in those thoughts..i never actually went through with any of them though..

The one thing is... no matter how many times someone tells me i'm not fat but that i'm normal or even thin, this never changes the way i feel - i've told this to people so many times that they ask "if a doctor told you that you were not fat or that you were too thin and needed to put on weight, would you believe them?"...and to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure that i would...